LOL! Now that’s Funny Sh#t!

MONDAY’S SUCK IN GENERAL … SO HERE ARE A FEW FUNNIES TO GET YOU GOING.

Unconscious Ramblings & Naked Yoga

Just to pre-amble these little tidbits I must remind you that I have Fibromyalgia and have a regime of medications that I am on. I work with my doctor to take the minimum amount necessary to get me through the day. I strive to keep my life as homeopathic as possible. However, one of the main reasons Fibro sufferers have problems is we do not sleep; insomnia will wreck your body. When you do manage to sleep you do not achieve deep sleep [REM] so even though you got some sleep it did not restore your body in any way.

To help with this I have sleep medication that I take each evening. It is the only way I can sleep. I have had Fibro for about 8 years and in the past 4 my condition has worsened. The sleep med’s work a little different in everyone. I have a decent metabolism but I have other conditions that kinda put med’s on a roller coaster so there is no timing the when it will kick in. I have taken my med’s and fallen asleep in less than 15 minutes but I have also taken them and not slept for 2 to 3 days in a row. It is part of the nature of the beast with Fibro. So in an effort to try to keep my life going in some order, I take the med’s at the same time every evening and basically hope for the best.

Its All Greek To Me:

OK this one is a few years back but it still makes me laugh. I have to tell you that when I was little my god/goddess mother would speak Greek to me and I was learning how to answer her pretty well – then we moved to far away to keep up the practice – so I don’t remember much anymore, at least consciously. ***OK I am fully asleep/unconscious – keep in mind that I do not remember any of this – none – Chris told me the next day what had happened.***

This happened right before we got married and were still living in the apartment. The computer /game area desk was sort of at the foot of the bed in our bedroom. I had gone to bed… it was one of Chris’s nights off so as most do he was staying up late. As it was told to me… I sat straight up in bed, my eyes were open and I began to talk – Chris was startled and turned around to see me – I was having a conversation but I wasn’t talking in English. After a few minutes of the Greek conversation I simply laid back down and slept.

I still wonder why he married me after that.

Naked Yoga :

Earlier this year was a mass of medical problems – some of which still haven’t been resolved. We have an active married life. Well after a night of marital relations I woke up and my right side rib cage hurt pretty bad. This is not an unusual occurrence – I actually wake up hurting every day – I keep a yoga mat rolled up by my bed and so my commute to my morning stretching-yoga class is quite short. I usually just roll out of bed and get it over with. I even stretch quite a bit sitting or laying on my side of the bed, just to be able to roll that far.

Anyway, about 10 to 14 days go by and I am still having that pain. I keep telling Chris that I think I dislocated my rib. I get a normal response of “Naw” “How” and such. Well that last morning I just said screw it and after dropping Chris off at work I headed to the doctor’s office. They have an x-ray lab in-house, so I ask to have an x-ray. Sure enough 30 minutes later – It’s a ‘Yes – you dislocated your rib.” Then with great relish, I of course called and told my hubby along with the appropriate “I told you so.”

Of course with any doctor’s visit you get questioned. When he questioned me about how this could have happened, I told him “Naked Yoga”… which of course startled him then he laughed out loud.

Once I was out of the doctor’s office I of course texted all my friends. I don’t’ have a full keyboard and I hate most of the abbreviations… So I texted them… “Dislocated Rib by Naked Yoga”. I have never had so many return phone calls and texts in my life.

What will you do with me Sir?:

About three or four weeks ago, I was sitting at my computer and fell asleep, sitting up of course. Chris noticed that I had fallen asleep in the chair, so he got me up and steered me toward bed. ***OK I am unconscious – keep in mind that I do not remember any of this – none – Chris told me the next day what had happened – I am apparently entertaining even unconscious.*** I have to wash my face and brush my teeth – Chris knows that it is my ritual to do that right before I get into bed and I can be wench about it.

Well, Once he had successfully guided me to our bedroom — I was past the point of being able to wash my own face — so Chris had to wash my face for me. We headed into the bathroom and he got started but before he could wash all the soap off I pushed him aside – proclaimed “done” then stumbled toward bed and I guess just sort of landed on top, fully clothed. Chris wet a washcloth and finished getting the soap off my face. T

Then super-hubby started the tussle/wrestle my pants and clothes off. Have you tried to strip an unconscious form?  Chris is strong but dead weight is just that dead weight.  It was a combination of being propped up, being able to unconsciously follow instructions [probably pleas and swearing], wrestling something off and tugging me here or there to yank off the item of clothing he was trying to remove.  Once we had achieved naked, I asked “Now that I am naked what will you do with me sir?” smiling, then promptly fell fully asleep [I am sure more of a coma like state].

Zen Master:

***OK I am unconscious – keep in mind that I do not remember any of this – none – Chris told me the next day what had happened – I am apparently entertaining even unconscious.***

OK last night. Once again Chris was at his computer and I at mine. He had a headset on because he was playing a game and I get irritated with the repetitive sound effects. Well out of the blue I yell – or say loudly “Chris, Chris, Chris!” He takes off the head set and looks at me. I am sitting crossed legged in my computer chair – eyes closed – arms placed on my knees with my hands in that meditation like pose and announce, “ I have found a place of Zen – I pushed all my Chi to my stomach – I can feel it.” …… He told me that he thought – ‘Monks spend 50 years trying to find that place of Zen. My wife pops two pills and finds it. It was at that point when he knew I had either taken my meds or the crazy had finally slipped out.

A few minutes later he hears “Oh Shit – I spilled wine on my shirt” — of course he turns to look and I tell him “it’s ok it’s just a little bit.” I had been nursing a glass of cabernet while I browsed the net.

Chris decides to get up for something – probably a cigarette break which he does outside not in the house. He stepped to go around my chair and felt the ground was wet. He turned on the overhead light and saw a splatter of wine –sort of spill cast off on the carpet. He grabs a cloth and cleaner to wipe it up. I had also spilled a little on the edge of the chair I was sitting in. When he started cleaning I got out of the chair and sat down on the floor next to him.

While he was In the middle of cleaning I just laid down into his lap. He says “Jax I am not done cleaning” I reply “I’m tired” He states “ you’re sitting on a spot” to which I reply “ I don’t care”

We got up and Chris steered me toward bed. I told him I needed shower, he just informed me tomorrow was soon enough. I got cleaned up and he hovered while I did – you tend to have some balance issues with the meds we had no plans for an ER visit because I cracked my head open.

Ok I told him to get out and come back in a few ~ I am always trying to get into his pants. After a few minutes he came back in and got ready for bed himself. He crawled into bed and snuggled up to me. I asked “Are you going to do dastardly things to me?” then promptly fell asleep and began to hiccup with a slight snore.

******************

When Chris told me today what I had done last night I had to share.  I laughed out loud and made him tell me every detail.  LMAO!  He is so great at taking care of me and I am certain it is not very fun when it is happening.   However, when he tells me it is always with a perplexed smile and a good sense of play.  We have been a team for quite a time now and he is the best partner you could ask for.  We have spent quite some time trying to time the medication but finally just gave up.  So due to that we just get to have an interesting story to tell every now and them

I Love You, Sweet.  Thanks for taking care of me.

Unspectacular Quirks

RULES OF THE GAME:

LINK THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU.

MENTION THE RULES IN YOUR BLOG

TELL ABOUT 6 UNSPECTACULAR QUIRKS OF YOURS

TAG 6 FELLOW BLOGGERS BY LINKING THEM

LEAVE COMMENTS WITH EACH PERSON YOU TAG MAKING THEM PAINFULLY

AWARE THAT YOU’VE MADE THEM.(TAGGED THEM)

*************** I am not going to TAG anyone but here is my list…

Thank you Ann.. this meant I didn’t have to look it up myself.

Quirk: a peculiarity of action or behavior.

Truly unspectacular quirks:

1. [I share this oddity with you Ann - link to her list above]I research anything I don’t understand… I will dump the information onto the next poor person so asks me about the subject… I am the bearer of an unbelievable amount of useless facts, information and just plain… why would you know that information…

2. I absolutely hate embarrassing moments on TV or in the movies… I will leave a room or change the channel for a moment to escape watching it … to the point where if I have the remote I click to change the channel, I do it unconsciously… until the other people in the room yell  "Hey"… However — I don’t embarrass.. it takes quite a lot for me to get embarrassed, la tremendous amount of special effort is required… it is the ‘when are these people ever going to see me again’ theory .. and if it is in front of family or friends then they have probably seen me do stupider stuff.

3. I have the mommy disease of ‘repeat’… when you are having a ‘talk’ with your children, age varies… but it is especially apparent when they are teenagers… they get that glossed over look in the eyes – signaling that they have left the conversation even though they are still physically there… Once you get going in the ‘talk’ and don’t a verbal response you ‘repeat’, sometimes the exact same words or you can say the same thing in several ways — hoping beyond hope that it actually penetrated the ‘kid force-field’ — well it has sort of seeped into the rest of life — I am better at catching it but still it is a quirk I can’t seem to shake

4. I am completely unable to repeat a conversation I had with anyone… If you say something to me.. I will summarize – paraphrase – rephrase – interpret – reword but I am mentally / physically unable to ‘repeat’ what you said .. I am talking if it is three words or more you will get the ‘Jax Version’ of the conversation — Hello I am an natural blonde, my brain is an etch-a-sketch with broken drawing handles

5. I am physically violent when I laugh… this is mostly dangerous to anyone within arms reach.. I  LOVE standup comics, it is also with movies, TV, live shows and it doesn’t matter if we are in public or not… When I find something rip roaring funny I smack the person next to me…my poor husband and children could probably claim abuse… oh by the way I don’t hit like a sissy…

6. I will organize-clean anything…. It is sad but true… I don’t have OCD but I absolutely detest piles-stacks, don’t get me wrong right now I have three baskets of laundry in my living room, they are clean I just haven’t gotten to putting them away, they have been clean since Wednesday – However if I can’t find something then it has to be organized… I especially hate sticky… I can handle any mess but sticky…it has seeped my friends lives… If I can’t handle your living space we just meet in public or my house… Otherwise I tend to clean or pickup while I visit you, I have cut it down to the area we are actively in or just the space that is within my reach… my friends laugh at me but they can and have used it to their benefit… lol

Quirks… foibles, peculiarity, oddity, eccentricity, idiosyncrasy — What are your six?

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

*** Just struck me… so Had to share…. lol

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid term.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many
souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist
in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now,
we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all
Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take
into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two
must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Talking about Cool for cats

 

Thanks Fruedian Tits for this one… 

Cool for cats

This is too funny

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ib1lJCCfqsE

A few pics for a few laughs.

Check them out!

Talking about Talking Cats

 

Quote

Talking Cats

If cats could talk, what would they say?

User Error! I think Not! & Wireless Home Security

 

A DEFINITE SIGN THAT YOUR
COMPUTER IS UPSET WITH YOU

 

 

How to Install A Wireless Home Security System

Go to a second-hand store and buy a really big pair of men’s used work boots.

Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it, a really big dish!

Leave a note on your front door that says something like:

"Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition; be back in 1/2 Hr.  Please don’t disturb the Pit Bulls, they’ve just been wormed."

Things to do at Wal-Mart

I know this is old; it makes me laugh everytime time. After all the holiday fun I thought a few laughs might be in order

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.     2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares . and see what happens.    5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.  6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.     7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers  you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding  department.    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' [assuming anyone does ask]   9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and  pick your nose.     10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.  11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission  Impossible" theme.    12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"using  different size funnels.    13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say  "PICK ME!"     14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal  position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"          And; last, but not least!)      15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while;  and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Search This…

 

You know the past few weeks I have felt like I’ve been dragging ass.  As this thought occurred to me – my next thought was where the hell, did that saying come from?  I remember my grandmother and mom saying it.  My siblings and I often use the phrase but when did it or where did it appear.  So I did a google search:

 

1. This is the first suggested answer … it gives new meaning to the phrase ‘Don’t try this at home’!

Weird antics by these guys…. dragging ass on sandpaper : 11/08/05
Weird antics by these guys…. dragging ass on sandpaper. Submitted on: 11/08/05
… This file is tagged to: Sandpaper Weird Ass …

 

2. The next suggest answer … defines idiomatic expression that have the word ‘ass’ – this alone could plummet you into hales of laughter

ass_idioms
Drag ass : To go slowly because you’ve got no energy. "I was dragging ass after
that big bike ride". It has been suggested that I made this one up, … 

 

3. And yet a little further down the page I found a definition for those of us unfamiliar with the terminology…

Urban Dictionary: ass-drag
1. ass-drag, link send redefine … Derived from the phrase "draggin’(g) ass".

  

So while this was not exactly an educational or particularly informative it did entertain – if only briefly.

Here’s to hoping you and I don’t have an ‘ass-drag’ of a day tomorrow.