What’s My Dad Doing on Facebook?

I imagine that if my parents were still here and my Dad ‘Frend Requested’ me that I would have had a similar experience.   Truly astonishing that with all these new technologies and having the ability to open doors to far reaching places… the farthest reach is just within arms grasp.  Take a few minutes and read this blog post … its worth the time.  What’s My Dad Doing on Facebook?.

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS & THE BEST SIGN IN A STORE EVER

 

1. You – Off my planet.

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?

6. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

7. Allow me to introduce my selves.

8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

10. I’m just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren’t asleep.

13. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

16. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

17. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

18. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

19. Chaos, panic, and disorder-my work here is done.

20. Earth is full. Go home.

21. Is it time for your medication or mine?

22. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

23. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

 

THE BEST SIGN IN A STORE EVER!!!!!

This is my Dream Car!

I just love the way this muscle car looks.  The curves of the 1969-1970′s Corvette Stingray are sexy.  This is my dream car and once I have no minions in my home, I will purchase it.  It will be a gift for myself.

People Watching — the walk

Simply stated walking is the act of traveling by foot.  The majority of people travel or have traveled in this manner.  The interesting part is how every one of us walks differently, often with comic results. The way a person walks is often referred to as a ‘gait’.  This gait is unique in the way a person’s personality or lack of shows in this simple act.

 

Examples:

There is the ‘hitch, hobble, limp’ method where it seems one leg is longer than the other or is injured.  This causes the person’s upper half to pitch right and left.  Wonder if they ever get sea sick?

 

The skip is where the steps alternate between a step and a hop.   It appears that there is a spring in one of there legs so you get the effect of, step, bounce, step, bounce. Ever wonder were the other spring went?

 

The stalk, angry walk looks as if the person is stiff and that the act of placing one foot in front of the other is a threat to all. That if they were to stomp hard enough their foot would leave an actual impression on the ground.

 

The strut, prance, swagger appears as if the individual has a rod up his ass and a pompous attitude to go with it. All this does is makes the viewer want to stride over and pop them a good one to see if anything falls out.

 

The lurch, stumble, stagger sort of represents the drunks of the populous.  They appear to have an unsteady or uneven manner; like someone keeps tipping the room on them.

 

The pacing individual walks with a slow regular stride which almost appears as if he is measuring each step taken.  This person appears to be the obsessive compulsive of the group and when their stride is jostled they seem as if the world has gone asunder.  

 

The flounce appears as if the individual is walking with exaggerate jerky motions that seem to have nothing to do with the actual act of walking.  It confuses the spectator because they seem to have an electric current that mis-fires randomly.

 

The waddle often leaves the viewer in a state of hysterical laughter because the individual seems to want to be a duck.  Their buttocks seems to shift left and right with exaggerated movements as if ‘shaking a tail-feather’ was their favorite phrase.

 

The roll is achieved when one leg is longer than the other but is only perceptible to the one who is walking.  The hips of the individual seem to roll up higher than needed or swing lower then what is required.  Kind of makes you want to sing ‘Row Row Row your boat…’

 

The march, marching gives the appearance that the individual is participating in some kind of procession, one that only they are in.  Regular steps with an even stride, purposeful but not to fast often it appears as if the individual is moving their lips slightly singing along with the tempo in their heads; ‘Left, Left, Left Right Left.’

 

The goose step is achieved by not using your knees.  The legs are swung high and straight:, the arms give off that mannequin appearance as well.  Always makes me think of Barbie with GI Joe on their first date.

 

The promenade, gives the viewer the idea that there is music, only in the persons head, they are leading their partner to the floor, well if they had one they would be, then you see the sway of the person and wonder – did they forget their medication?

 

The quick march reminds me of watching my dad put his Marines through drills.  They would march quickly while standing in place or around the field, dad would tell them to march until he got tired, while he stood in the shade

 

 The plodding walk appears when the individual has a slow heavy gait, as if they were carrying the weight of he world on their shoulders. Makes you wonder if they are carrying the weight of the world – why am I so tired?

 

The prowl is a favorite.  It seems the individual has the movie track for the stealthy scene in their head.  I always hear the pink panther’s them music when I see this walk, it makes me smile.

 

The shamble, shambling, shuffle, shuffling, this person tends to walk with a slow dragging motion as if the actual lifting of their feet would cause undue amounts of strain on their bodies, so they just kind of drag them along for the ride. My only real thought on this is – I don’t want their shoe bill.

 

The wading walk appears when someone seems to be walking in water, as if there was some invisible force that is holding back the mere act of them walking.  Makes me thirsty.

 

Finally there is sleepwalking, this is the act of walking while asleep – which if you are like me this happens mostly on Monday morning but could crop up at any given moment but never once I am actually asleep in bed.

 

Guestbook

If you do not see me blog in awhile, it is because I am torturing my minions by making them do their homework or clean their rooms.  If you do not see me for a significant amount of time then please send help — I have been captured by the minions and are probably stuffed in the closet with rope and duct tape. 

Thank you for your time and concern —

Please sign the guest book – I will need witnesses later…… Thanks! Jax

Resume Hella Funny

I have just spent the past few hours completing my older sister’s and younger brother’s resumes.  They called and emailed a request for help, with pleading I agreed.  After I emailed them off I thought it would be funny to look into what others might have used to describe their capabilities.  I know I had to elborate for my my older sister possibly over-stating her capabilities; for my younger brother I had plenty of experience but probably not the right kind for the job he was trying to apply for.  Either way creative use of language is always used when writing a resume.  Below are a few I found and a link to the site I found them on.   Enjoy!

 Quotes from Resumes [found on http://www.usewisdom.com/fun/resumes.html]

• I am very detail-oreinted.
• I have a bachelorette degree in computers.
• Graduated in the top 66% of my class.
• Served as assistant sore manager.
• Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.
• Special skills: Experienced with numerous office machines and can make great lattes.
• I can play well with others.
• I have exhaustive experience in manufacturing.
• Special skills: I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.
• My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.
• I eat computers for lunch.
• I have used lots of software appilcations.
• Objection: To utilize my skills in sales.
• Experience: Watered, groomed, and fed the family dog for years.
• Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.
• Previous experience: Self-employed — a fiasco.
• I am a pit bull when it comes to analysis.
• I am the king of accounts payable reconciliation.
• Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led normadic lifestyle.
• Reason for leaving last job: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.
• Reason for leaving last job: Bounty hunting was outlaw in my state.
• My ruthlessness terrorized the competition and can sometimes offend.
• I love dancing and throwing parties.
• I am quick at typing, about 25 words per minute.
• I am a rabid typist.
• Skills: Operated Pitney Bones machine.
• Special Skills: Speak English.
• Education: B.A. in Loberal Arts.
• Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.
• Education: College, August 1880 – May 1984.
• Experience with: LBM-compatible computers.
• Fortunately because of stress, worked in the cardiac intensive-care ward.
• Typing Speed: 756 wpm.
• Objectives: 10-year goal: Total obliteration of sales and federal income taxes and tax laws.
• Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable.
• Personal Qualities: Outstanding worker; flexible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
• My experience in horticulture is well-rooted.
• Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.
• Extensive background in public accounting. I can also stand on my head!
• I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.
• Personal: Married 20 years; own a home, along with a friendly mortgage company.
• My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.
• Exposure to German for two years, but many words are inappropriate for business.
• Frequent Lecturer: Largest Audience: 1,351. Standing Ovations: 5. Number of Audience Questions: 30.
• Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.
• Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.
• My fortune cookie said, ‘Your next interview will result in a job’ — and I like your company in particular.

 

Today — hey its Wednesday.

*Check out my new fun thing for my blog. The Guest Map.  Leave your mark for me.

 

*Well it is my third day at my new job – Yipee!  I am trying my best not to like the place and people to soon.  The past year I have jumped from spot to spot all with my usual enthusaism and have been sorly let down hard.  But if truth be told I am having a hard time.  I am unsure if it is my usual zest for life and people or if I have actually found a place I will be comfortable and actually like the people I work with.  ~  At this point it has been my kind of humor, scarcasm and good-natured individuals… its like a trifecta of good work environments.  When I worked for Harvey [Ins. Office] – that was the last good work environment and that ended oddly enough this time last year. 

 

*Bryan’s Soccer is offically over. YEAH! No more 8am soccer games on Saturday Mornings.  Did I say YEAHHH! The championship tournament was this Saturday.  An 8am game — they won 6 to 1, then at noon they played the semi finals — in Texas heat at noon after playing a game first thing that morning.  Ah do you think they were tired?  Anyway – the tournament officals messed up the brackets and the #1 team [undefeated] and Bryan’s team #2 [only one loss] — they played in the semi final bracket, the other team didn’t play that morning because of their undefeated status.  So of course the boys were tired and tried but they ended up playing a defensive game – they lost 2-0.  Which consdiering the amount of saves the goalee made and how many attempts our team just missed the shot – it was amazing.  They finished 3rd for the season. Not bad although you would think they were in last place with the faces.  — I posted a few shots from the season. Check them out.

 

*On a last note I just want to mention that I believe the utility companies are extortion artists.  I just had ten rounds with our CPS [City Public Service]. Public Service my ass!  If I had an alternative company choice I would be leaving this second.  ARRRGH!